The Lazy Ad Executive's Path to Success: Using Soft Core Porn to Sell Cars

• Are you an advertising executive who is struggling for ideas?

• Do you have a client who is being courted by other agencies?

• Are you telling yourself that those other agencies are probably providing high class hookers to steal YOUR account away from you and your agency?

Well my friend, I have the three step answer which will put those fears of losing your agency's biggest client to ease.

ADVERTISING SUCCESS STEP ONE : Define the Target Audience

You may have been told that defining your client's target audience requires time and thought, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY!

Simply pitch your client that you're creating an "exciting" campaign that will appeal to men age 25-101 who earn $50K or more a year.

Your client should begin drooling immediately. If not, make sure it's not some feminine hygiene product. (You can still sell this demographic to them, you'll just have to exercise a tiny bit of creativity to do so.)

All clients love the high income male demographic. Be sure to stress that this demographic has not been hurt by the recent economic downturn. (If the economy is not in an economic downturn a.k.a. after an election, then emphasize that this demographic won't be hurt by the next down turn, a.k.a before the next election.)

If they're not drooling over the potential of this demographic, don't worry. We'll close them solidly later on.

ADVERTISING SUCCESS STEP TWO: Create a campaign based on soft porn

Present your lewd and lascivious print campaign. (See BMW's example of lews and lascivious advertising here.)

Be sure you find a model who's barely legal for this ad and be sure that she's an aspiring porn star. Remember, you may be telling your CLIENT that the target demographic for this ad is high income men ages 25-101, but in reality what you're going for is a complete lack of blood flow to the brain every heterosexual man in the room.

See, God played a cruel trick when He created man. In essence, He didn't give men enough blood to run both their brains and their genitals at the same time. So, by creating a print ad that effectively drops the IQ of every male executive in the room to 1, you eliminate any resistance to your low effort/low creativity advertising promotion.

If the lady is as lovely in person as she is in print, bring her to the meeting. Be careful not to hide her many "attributes". On the other hand, if she's been heavily airbrushed, then bring in scantily clad 18 year olds who are future Playmates to help launch the campaign.

Remember, the goal is to reduce the IQ of every man in the room to 1. Once that is achieve, victory is yours.

ADVERTISING SUCCESS STEP THREE: Gentlemen, put on your flame suits.

Now you can sit back and reap the fruits of your labor. The women's groups will see your ad and raise a ruckus. Nothing generates more free PR than a bunch of picketers in front of the business.

If your client gets nervous, point out that there's no such thing as bad publicity. Point out how much such airtime would cost if the client were buying that time. Now, try to figure out a way to bill your client for PR services in addition to billing them for the ad.

There you have it, 3 easy steps to pave the lazy ad executive's path to advertising success.